Things I don’t like

Reader beware, Flagship’s ‘Things We Like’ column is harbouring a sulphurous ‘hater’.  But, let’s be honest here, we all feel better after a good hate.  And I’m not talking about things we, as civilised individuals, should hate (e.g. littering, murderous dictators, Davina McCall): this is about hating things because it makes us feel better or, in truth, superior. Yes, it’s irrational hatred time.

How long have you got? This could take hours!  OK, I’ll confine it to my current top five fave ‘hates’:

• Cars with ‘Baby on Board’ stickers – what are these self-regarding idiots trying to tell me?  That they’re suitably fecund? That I’m less likely to drive recklessly if I know that I’d be guilty of infanticide? That it’s OK to kill grandma?  I blame Thatcher – always good for a brickbat or three – she was the devilish midwife to the “Look at ME” generation.
• Personalised number plates – do I really need to say any more?
• Men tying their scarves in a poncey way.   Once upon a time – when the world was GOOD – women looped their scarves and men just knotted them.  And then something dreadful happened.  Why?  Men who favour the ‘noose’ should be hanged from the nearest lamppost.  [Editor's note - I really think he means it]
• Double-act presenters on news bulletins.  Do broadcasters think that we’re incapable of taking in information without the presence of simpering presenters pretending they’re hanging on their colleague’s every word?  What’s wrong with film footage and a voice-over?
• The Archers – yes, I know it’s a national institution but, as Oscar Wilde said (in another context): “who wants to live in institution?”.  The characterisation is one dimensional, the writing is dire and the plot lines are absurdly timid and bathetic.  Yes, I’m a confirmed soapophobe, but Emmerdale is ‘Hamlet’ compared to this daily dross.

That’s your lot for this month….